my world today

I want to share something with you all.  It's a blog post that I wrote a long time ago, but never published.  I'm not sure why.  Whether it was shame or guilt or maybe there was never a right time.  I came across this draft today, and when I read it, it felt oddly foreign to me.  I don't recall exactly when this was written.  A few months ago.  The winter probably.  I'm sharing it now because, although I'm glad to say that this is no longer how I feel, I want it documented.  I feel the same way about our time in the hospital.  Though it was probably our darkest hour, I never want to forget it.  It is something I experienced and something that made me who I am today.  So if you're interested, read on.

"My feelings surrounding A&R's birth and first months of life are something I struggle with every single day.

I live in a world saturated with prematurity.  And whether I like it or not, this is where I'll stay.

It's hard for me to remember what I was like before the kids were born.  Sometimes I yearn to go back to those days, just because I know it was easier.  Those days when I was just a girl.  A girl that was able to just live and to be.  A girl who didn't worry about doctors appointments, and milestones, and why did this happen to us, and what does the future hold and how will we handle it.  Sometimes it feels like I don't know where I belong because the truth is that my life and the world I now live in is very far from what is used to be.  I'm in a world of therapists and doctors, surgeries and diagnoses.  Answers I don't want to hear.  And questions I don't want to ask.

It's lonely.

Don't get me wrong.  I have a wealth of support at home from friends and family.  And  I love my children and all that they have brought with them.  I love the people I've met and the stories I've read.  I appreciate the strength I've gathered.  The knowledge I've obtained.  The goals I secretly set for our family.  But sometimes it's downright overwhelming and isolating.

But I did this.  I flung myself into this world.

Some might say I'm obsessed with prematurity.  Constantly googling and reading and thinking.  Wondering why and why not?  What if and how come?  Writing things here.  Things that I've written before but somehow can't seem to let go of."

And that's it.  I never finished it.  Maybe I wasn't meant to.  

I've read this entry about a dozen times this morning.  It seems a little angry and resentful.  And while I'm glad to proclaim that (most of) these feelings are behind me, I'm ok with having felt them at one point or another.  

Life has certainly given me a lot of lemons.  Mostly good, some bad.  What's key is that the bad turned into good.  And look how cute the most important lemons are!


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